Skip to content Skip to footer

Thoughts from a Member

My story….

Open the zip of the invisible bubble that surrounds you and step out into your world. Asleep, alone, eyes closed in an empty world of nothingness. I talked. I cried. I laughed. But was I different? Fun and games, laughs and tears like everyone else. But I was different. Why me?Why not me???

I stood at the wall. The music was loud but I was alone in the crowd. The dance had began as I stood alone. Afraid, scared and lonely. Unsure. The friends approached and said “hey man she likes you”. Suddenly my whole world was about to be opened. I had to think quickly. Suddenly my head was sore, my foot was sore or knee was sore. The excuses had begun and continued. I looked to the floor as she danced with him and my heart broke because I wished I was her who was holding him. I knew where I wanted to be, but but the world had stopped me.

My life training had begun and I had been trained to be the man I had become, but still not the man I was meant to be. Love was all around me and in me, yet I was so alone and more scared than was humanly possible. The disappointment I was to everyone. The man my family wanted me to be. The man who would never give my parents grandchildren and the parent I could never become. These were my thoughts and feelings and what I believed.

So many nights I cried myself to sleep, but no one could ever hear my tears. I couldn’t show them because the questions would be asked and I had no answers. At least not the answers that would satisfy anyone. A heart full of love and kindness…a leap of faith to understand and believe. I would never know what the world really thought of me. And it wouldn’t end at that.

To walk with my friend and to love him for years, yet I could never say the words and wishing our walk and talks would never end. Our laughs and tears, the times we shared, the journeys, but still all inside my invisible bubble. The family who never knew me because I never knew myself. The questions that were never asked. I would have given the world to show I was true and real and that I had a heart. The songs and music had words that meant so much to me and it was a joy to listen to them. To share my life with someone who could love me. My lucky star hid above me and maybe someday it would shine just like I did all my life.

Hidden behind the mask I was the broken piece of the jigsaw. Regrets…I’ve had a few but some memories make them shine. I was a spectator in this world. Neither a lover nor a friend. Walking the streets when it rained was good because no one could see my tears. A hero or a friend, but with a heart that was broke in two and all the tears to hide.

I could have been so much more but everything I did was for everyone else. I needed to be me and do things for me. It wasn’t about being greedy or selfish. It was about living. Living my dreams and being me. My world with my fears and worries were mine and they trapped me in a world surrounded by negativity and isolation. I closed myself off from my world and failed in my life because I wasn’t being me. I was trying to be someone my family and friends wanted me to be. But who was that fair on?

I needed someone to take me to my heart where all my wishes would be found and my dreams would come true. I found out late that I lost the way of my love. My lil buddy came along. He made me secure and gave me a reason to live…the son I could never have. Life will be easier for him because the world is starting to understand that we are all human.

If you cut my finger I bleed the same as everyone else. My life full of false promises and emptiness. Could I have done more to be the real me? To find my world and be proud of who I was? To walk in my own shoes and not be afraid to say the words I felt?

Trying to please everyone else to make them happy only brought me loneliness and a life of broken dreams. As someone once said…

what is a man, what has he got, if not himself then he has nought.

The world will be a better place as long as we understand ourselves and let people fit into our world. You are an individual and special and all these words will mean nothing unless you believe in yourself.

A Friend.